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Author Archives: intoxreport
Why American Wine Will Never Be As Interesting As French Wine
A few days ago, Tom Wark published a column called ‘Why French Wine Will Never Be As Interesting As American Wine’. Je l’avoue, there are very few wine columns—French or otherwise—that I find as interesting as my own, which is … Continue reading
Shine On, Shine On Hard-Ass Moon
Moonshine is many things to many people. To unemployed Ma Swaller in Possum Twat, Arkansas, it’s survival economics as she sells Persimmon Punch for a buck a cup to her neighbors. To Dork Hazzard, it’s dodging (literally) the Feddies in … Continue reading
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The Invigorating Catharsis Of The Shit Review
The history of the pan is older than Pan. Should you consult Wikipedia, you will learn that the very first cuneiform ledger compiled by the Sumerians listed an inventory of ‘One hundred six amphorae of the finest mountain wine’ immediately … Continue reading
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Thank God Almighty, Frei At Last…
Whenever I go looking for success in some sundry endeavor, be it stringing Christmas lights from the maple tree out front, penning the next Hollywood blockbuster or cheating my way through a surprise drug test, I follow a tried ‘n’ … Continue reading
Guy Wicker Is The Heisenberg Of Hootch
Lissen up, Albuquerque undercover: I found Heisenberg, and he’s not dead. He’s not Walter White and he’s not even in New Mexico. He’s in Southfield, Michigan and he’s switched his drug dementias mid-season, from meth to absinthe. And also Chartreuse, … Continue reading
Time To Put The ‘Chris’ Back In Christmas: Buy ‘A Rite Of Paso’ Now…
…And support the cause. Over the years (deny it if you can, ardent acolytes) I have offered you over a million random, sometimes made-up and often very long, confusing words without seeking so much as a nickel’s worth of remuneration, … Continue reading
Posted in CALIFORNIA, Paso Robles
Tagged A Rite of Paso: Paso Robles Wine Country, Chris Kassel
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No Honor Among Wine Thieves
Last week, I covered The HoseMaster of Wine’s tearful farewell speech given during an NBC Prehab interview, and it turns out that—silly me—I misheard the dirge and exaggerated his impending retirement. By ‘exaggerated’, of course, I mean ‘totally lied about … Continue reading
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Why We Should Score Literature Like We Score Wine
Last week, having engaged in lively and utterly useless banter with wine writers Joe Roberts and Frederic Koeppel regarding the efficacy of scoring wine, I found myself having sort of epiphany that Brian Wilson must have had when he kicked … Continue reading
Westbrook Wine Farm: The House That Krause Soused
HoseMaster, meet hose hauler—and if you guys would consider a nude mud-wrestling hose-off to see whose hose heaves the heftiest hurl, have your girl call my girl and we’ll set up Pay Per View. In this corner, HoseMaster Ron Washam, … Continue reading
Posted in CALIFORNIA, Central Valley
Tagged Hosemaster of Wine, Maderas ava, Ray Krause, Ron Washam, Westbrook Farm
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Live Fast, Die Young And Leave A Corpse That Looks Exactly Like James Dean
(This piece is an excerpt from ‘A Rite Of Paso: Paso Robles Wine Country’ to be released December, 2013). Within the annals of the eerie, two almost inconceivably bizarre images come to mind: First, the photograph of John Lennon signing Mark … Continue reading
Posted in CALIFORNIA, Central Coast, GENERAL, Paso Robles
Tagged death of james dean, James Dean
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