Some things you may not know about me:

My favorite color is SAE/ECE amber—one of the few technically approved colors for automotive signal lamps.  Also, I enjoy long, romantic strolls on the beach at sunset.  As well, there is nothing that makes me happier than being awoken by a snuggly, huggly puppy nuzzling my crotch.  Equally, I can predict the future.

I discovered this last talent as a teenager, having found a magical ‘book’ in our den that foretold precisely where I would be and what I would be doing at, say, 12:00 PM the following Sunday—and it proved to be absolutely accurate.  Of course, it was TV Guide and AMC was showing the entire remastered Godfather trilogy at noon, so this is probably not a really good example.

I have noticed, however, that several times each year—especially when I am under undue stress from collection agencies and Friend of the Court—when I sit down to write a wine column, it is almost as if I sink into a fugue state and some occult Ouija force takes control of my fingers and types for me.  When the unseen ‘spirit’ presence finishes its ‘work’, I find that instead of whatever subject I had intended to cover (for example, Wines That Can Cause—And Cure—Bubonic Plague), an altogether different column has appeared—one that reports in detail some wine-world event which has not yet occurred.

For instance, I knew that Robert Parker was going to sell the Avocate six months before he did; I knew the exact day and time that the great Frank J. Prial was going to die, and I soothsaid all 100 Wine Enthusiast top 2012 wines, in order—although my Delphic scribe tends to write in cryptic, highly metaphorical ‘Virgilianized’ syntax, similar to the Preterite interpretation of the Book of Revelations.  So, in my top 100 list, Riglos 2009 Gran Corte Las Divas 2009 (Mendoza) came out more like ‘big red trendy wine not from Napa but yet, from this century’.

Moi

Normally, of course, I like to keep such columns on the QT, because who wants to be called insane by a bunch of deranged basket-cases like you guys?  But in this case, the result of my ethereal encounter was so earth-shattering that I feel I have no choice but to share it with you, my long-suffering if lunatic readership, because should the prophecy come to pass—and it will, make no mistake—your life will be irrevocably altered and you will never, ever be able to think about wine the same way again.

Tune in to Part II to find out the global wine cataclysm I have predicted for 2013…