Author Archives: intoxreport

Join The N.R.A. And Get A Free Ticket To The Vegan Expo

Well, not quite.  But close.  Yesterday, in the same spirit that rubba-neckin’ Bubba McCan-Koozie goes apeshit when NASCAR cars crash, I represented the Anti-Press at the annual Vegan Tastefest in Novi. Over the years, among my fellow bleeding-heart liberals, I … Continue reading

Posted in GENERAL | Tagged | Leave a comment

Helfrich Produces No Dogs, Thank You Very Much

I know a wine writer who berates other wine writers who use the ‘A’ word.  I won’t give her name, but I will say that she resembles a yeti, and not in a wholesome, Julia Child sort of way. Now, … Continue reading

Posted in Alsace, FRANCE | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Bret Wine Never Tasted So Fine

Can you guess why Mel Practice opted out of a career in medicine? Of course you can.  Same reason that the Scheister Brothers don’t have a law firm or why Sam ‘n’ Ella don’t open a sushi bar. So, when … Continue reading

Posted in Burgundy, Chardonnay | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Relax, Wine Business: Kathie Lee Has Arrived

The global wine industry—beleaguered by the recent recession, fickle vintages, lazy retailers, semi-literate historiographers and the idiotic 100-point scoring scale—may be likened to the Frankish army at Anatolia, Wellington’s forces at Waterloo, the 2nd Ox at Pegasus Bridge or Gandalf … Continue reading

Posted in CALIFORNIA, GENERAL, Monterey | Tagged , | 1 Comment

You’re A Good Manic, Stillman Brown

As a man of honor, as well as the kind of ‘showman’ wine writer who is willing to go to any length required to keep you, the reader, on the edge of your seats—up to (and including) transgressive acts, coprophagia, … Continue reading

Posted in CALIFORNIA, Paso Robles, Syrah/Shiraz | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Why American Wine Will Never Be As Interesting As French Wine

A few days ago, Tom Wark published a column called  ‘Why French Wine Will Never Be As Interesting As American Wine’. Je l’avoue, there are very few wine columns—French or otherwise—that I find as interesting as my own, which is … Continue reading

Posted in GENERAL | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Shine On, Shine On Hard-Ass Moon

Moonshine is many things to many people.  To unemployed Ma Swaller in Possum Twat, Arkansas, it’s survival economics as she sells Persimmon Punch for a buck a cup to her neighbors.  To Dork Hazzard, it’s dodging (literally) the Feddies in … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Invigorating Catharsis Of The Shit Review

The history of the pan is older than Pan.  Should you consult Wikipedia, you will learn that the very first cuneiform ledger compiled by the Sumerians listed an inventory of ‘One hundred six amphorae of the finest mountain wine’ immediately … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Thank God Almighty, Frei At Last…

Whenever I go looking for success in some sundry endeavor, be it stringing Christmas lights from the maple tree out front, penning the next Hollywood blockbuster or cheating my way through a surprise drug test, I follow a tried ‘n’ … Continue reading

Posted in CALIFORNIA, Paso Robles | Tagged | Leave a comment

Guy Wicker Is The Heisenberg Of Hootch

Lissen up, Albuquerque undercover: I found Heisenberg, and he’s not dead.  He’s not Walter White and he’s not even in New Mexico.  He’s in Southfield, Michigan and he’s switched his drug dementias mid-season, from meth to absinthe. And also Chartreuse, … Continue reading

Posted in Absinthe, GENERAL, LIQUOR | Tagged | Leave a comment