Fitting A Square Bottle Into An A-Hole

ClipboardTomorrow night, when we are gluing ourselves to our television sets with the remains of Mr. Ed and watching the 65th Annual Emmy Awards, a quiet revolution will be taking place.

That’s when Truett-Hurst Inc. will release their much ballyhooed (by them) square wine bottle.

Retro-chic

Retro-chic?

In a selfie promo, the Sonoma-based wine marketing company recently announced that an entire line of California Square Wines will be launched at the W Hotel in Hollywood and passed out gratis to panhandling celebrities.

In a supernova of Madison Avenue oxymoronography, bottle designer Kevin Shaw calls the vessel ‘retro-chic’.

Becky baby.

Becky

This is but one of the wine world’s oxymorons.  For example, Becky Suriano, stunning propritoratrix of Wine Me? custom-painted wine goblets, will gladly tackle a hand-blown glass if you want her to.  Hand-blown, of course, being an oxymoron—a comment for which Ms. Suriano undoubtedly considers me the regular kind of moron.

Hawaiian pinot noir is another oxymoron, despite Volcano Winery claiming they make one, then claiming they’re sold out despite listing it at a retail price of $24 per bottle.  Hell, Volcano Winery; if I was all out, I’d sell it for $50.

J. Lohr ‘White Riesling’ is the opposite of an oxymoron, whatever that is—an oxypoindexter or something.

But oxy schmoxy, Shaw’s retro-chic bottle is pretty cool to gaze upon; reminiscent of the decanters that sit upon the mahogany sideboard in the parlors of rich people.  And equally, to the squared-off leather cases into which rich people slip their bottle-shaped bottle.

aaronAnd speaking of rich people, here is Aaron Paul at last year’s W Hotel free-to-celebrities Emmy gathering show off his new non-chic round Aquaswiss wrist-watch before accepting his Grammy for Best Supporting Actor in Breaking Bad, whereupon, he became even richer.

And speaking of Breaking Bad, the only reason I am even going to watch the Emmys is to see how f**ked up the kid who plays Walt’s kid is in real life, even though that is a mean and rather a-holeish reason to watch.

And Speaking of Truett-Hurst’s Much Praised (By Them) Square Wine Bottle, Perhaps I Should Be…

Dolan and Hurst, or Hurst and Dolan

Dolan and Hurst, or Hurst and Dolan

Not much else to say, though—except that the wine is the brainchild of a couple of braniac wine people, formerly of Fetzer: Paul Dolan and Phil Hurst.  They partnered up in a Dry Creek Valley, 26-acre vineyard and created a biodynamic winery specializing in (what they call) super-premium and ultra-premium wines.  I am not sure what the difference between the two is, but I promise that neither appears to be an oxymoron.  Nor does Truett-Hurst, even though I am equally not sure why the winery is not called Dolan-Hurst.

And Have an A-1 Day…

So that’s it until Emmy time, kids.  Be there or be square.

 

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