Here are some things that used to be illegal for a black person to do in Alabama:
- Marry a honky
- Urinate in the same pissoir as a white person
- Be treated for an illness by a white doctor
- Be committed to the same mental asylum as a white Governor
- Be buried near dead white people
Here are some things that it is currently against the law for a black person to do in Alabama:
- Drive while blindfolded (Section 32-5A-53)
- Play solitaire on Sunday (Section 13A-12-1)
- Wrestle a bear (Section 13A-12-5)
- Buy Dirty Bastard Ale (illegal per Alabama Beverage Board ruling of April 19, 2012).
Why The Sudden Clamor From The Alabammer Yellowhammers?
Because the name ‘Dirty Bastard’ constitutes an obscenity, that’s why—at least according to Bob Martin, an attorney with the Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board who, as of last Thursday, banned the beer from the heart of Dixie—regardless of your race—in a move specifically designed to “…keep dirty words away from children.”
Meanwhile, based on 2007 statistics, 38% of Alabama children are, in fact, bastards, and nearly 20% of them can’t read anyway.
A Baseborn Beer From a Brace of Ball-Busting Brewers
“We don’t brew for the masses,” insists non-bastards Mike Stevens and Dave Engbers, makers of Dirty Bastard Scottish-Style Ale in Grand Rapids, Michigan. “Instead, our beers are crafted for a chosen few, a small cadre of renegades and rebels who enjoy a beer that pushes the limits of what is commonly accepted as taste…”
Alabamites? Evidently, you need not apply.
And having thus relinquished your cherished title of ‘Rebels’, you are forthwith commanded to remove Confederate flags from your pickup trucks, your biceps and any automobiles that you’ve given names to; you are instructed to finally learn the words to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ then teach it to us Yanks, and above all, you are compelled to stop pronouncing words like someone funneled a liter of blackstrap molasses into your sinus cavities.
Oh, and if you’re still sequestering a couple of strapping young bucks down there in the lower forty? Turn those in too—we have an election to win.
Dirty Bastard Ale: A Rebel Without A Grandfather Clause?
Founders Brewery Company produces Dirty Bastard alongside Double Trouble (also the name of a 1985 porn flick), Devil Dancer (what the First Baptist Church of Birmingham calls you if you study ballet) and KBS (which is only two ‘K’s away from sharing a name with another hallowed Alabama institution).
All other Founders Brewery products are, as far as I know, perfectly welcome in the Cotton State, as are—for reasons unknown—Fat Bastard wine and Raging Bitch beer, both of which received the Liquor Board’s seal of approval many moons ago.
I must conclude that these obscenely-named products have either been grandfathered in, or else, in 1957, when Louis Armstrong (a bastard Negro) and Ella Fitzgerald (a bastardess Negress) regaled us with ‘Stars Fell On Alabama’, they forgot to mention that one hit Bob Martin in the noggin.
And yet, far be it from me—a native Michigander—to question Southern logic; I mean, I know that we’re talking Alabama, where Silly String is prohibited and where you can’t make someone laugh by wearing a fake moustache in church without breaking the law (Sec. 39-15).
But in Michigan, we can’t sell cars on Sunday (435.251), get drunk on a train (436.201) or electrocute a dog, even by accident (287.279a).
I must say, however, that our laws prohibiting incest are pretty cut and dry.
In Alabammy, You Can Whammy Your Mammy Or Your Sister Tammy Or Your Tranny Brother Sammy…
If you’re from Alabama, whether you’re white or black, it is perfectly legal to marry your mother. (Section 30-1-3).
The other forty-nine states are encouraged to slam a Dirty Bastard instead.
Founders Brewing Company
235 Grandville Ave SW, Grand Rapids, MI 4950; (616) 776-1195